are you there?

hi. it’s me again. do you remember the last time?
last time I loved you.
last time I cared for you.
last time I was so anxious to meet you.
only to be disappointed.
you weren’t there
what happened? why are you doing this to me?
I’m so confused. you confuse me. you make me cry.
cry because I so want to care for you
and love you
and meet you
are you there?
inside there is a pulling and
a longing to embrace you
the future seems painful to be close to you
but the joy of the hopeful present brings relief
because I want to love you
and meet you and
care for you
I want you to be there
am I destined to be disappointed again?
another lost opportunity to love you again?
I cry thinking about losing you again
the torture of thoughts of memories yet to be remembered
moments yet to be treasured
the pain of losing something I never had,
the insurmountable distress of being attached to nothing,
again
again it hurts so bad
scared of this feeling
terrified of knowing
desperately wondering
are you there?

my knees are black because i have the ability to survive knowing as well as not knowing